What do opera and mediation have in common?

They’ve all influenced the negotiation strategies of IDRRM UK Centre Managing Director, Selana Kong.

Today, we feature an Q&A with Selana, a Clore Fellow, Accreditated Coach, International Mediator, and Accrediatted Corporate Governance Consultant.

Selana's Tip

Q. What’s one surprising thing people may not know about you?
A: I won my first singing competition when I was 6 years old and singing became my lifelong passion. I was the champion of the solo singing competition at the Hong Kong School Music Festival when I was 15. I became a founding member of the Opera Society of Hong Kong and then met my husband when sang Tosca together.

Do you still practice opera?
Moving to North Wales, has not interrupted my musical journey, it made it stronger. I performed in Madame Butterfly, Cosi Fan Tutte, Carmen and Calendar Girls with the North Wales Opera Studio and Llangollen Operatics. I was appointed Vice-Chair of the Competitor Committee at the International Musical Eisteddfod in Llangollen.

Training in music is one of the best forms of education I could have had. I learned to really listen. I also learned how to speak. sing and conduct in front of people and keep their attention. I learn to coordinate large scale performances and consider interests of multiple parties. It also taught me that there is often more behind the scenes. As a Chinese proverb goes, "What happens on stage for 1 minute, takes 10 years behind the stage to prepare".

My whole life’s work has been dedicated to honing my emotional sensitivity—trying to understand emotions beneath the surface in deeply embedded conflict situations when it looks like two parties are acting irrationally or against their own interests. Maybe it’s an opera we need to understand what’s really the motivation behind each character in order to help move things forward.

Q: What personality trait do you feel helps you solve the most or biggest problems at the bargaining table?

A: Being calm. When you are calm, you can think rationally and logically. Being calm is like a muscle that you need to be exercised every day to make it strong. I do meditation, journaling, running in nature, gardening, reading, and cooking almost every day to help me stay calm. Obviously singing and playing the piano regularly helps. Socialising with a common purpose, like being a part of a choir act as an emotional equaliser for me. As the proverb goes, " Happiness shared is doubled and sadness shared is halfed".

Q: What mindset do you feel causes the most or biggest problems at the bargaining table?

A: A mindset that is egoistic makes people feel defensive. They closed their minds when they are only interested to talk about who was right or wrong. This makes them unlikely to listen and learn from each other. They’re unlikely to explore new options, and in turn, they fail to achieve a win-win outcome.

Q: From buying a piano to settling an argument, what tactic has proven most helpful in your personal negotiations?

A: Checking irrelevant beliefs. As human beings, tend to repeat the same patterns of behavior because they used to protect us. However, some of these old tactics have lost their luster as time goes on. For example, what a start-up needs is very different from what a mature company needs. So it would be helpful to sit down together and look at the patterns people fall into during conflict. It helps us look at why they do what they do and what they can change to improve their situation.

Q: What’s one valuable negotiation tactic that people tend to forget or underestimate?
A: Don't underestimate the power of simply listening and asking clean questions. The most powerful clean questions are "What would you like to talk about and what are your thoughts? ... what more would you like to say about this and how does it make you feel? Listening a lot allows the parties to reflect, express themselves fully and make sense of the situation in a supportive and trusting environment. A negotiator/ mediator often creates the first opportunity for real communication to happen between the conflicting parties.
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