How to say no without getting into a fight ?

The art of "saying no" with a "Yes-No-Yes" sentence.

My husband and I met when I was 24 and he was 39. There is a tendency for me to play the role of a "child" and he the "father". He introduced me to his world and I loved the new experiences and friendships. He helped me build a strong social network, my professional life took off to a high level. He supports me at home and let me "outsource" all the technical jobs to him in our family. Life has been always been easy for me, as he used to say.

Fast track to 2022, we have been married for 20 years now and we migrated to the UK. Starting a new life in a new coutry is not easy as you can imagine that my husband needs my support more than ever. This means I need to put my "child" role aside and really step up to be his "spouse".

This is challenging because for the past 20 years, I never asked him:

"What can I do that is most valuable and helpful to you ?"

To say that I am under-performing as a spouse is an understatement. Because I have been approaching my marriage more as a taker, not a giver. This puts our relationship in jeopardy because a relationship can only function when both partners are willing to give, to sacrifice unconditionally.

My husband is preparing to attend a conference next week and he is very busy making plans to make the best out of this important event. This is what my husband said to me last night.

"I need you to give me more time and the space to focus on my job."

The old "child" self would have felt frausted, resentful and angry . But I let my new role as a "spouse" asked myself, what would be the most valuable and helpful response to him right now?

"Thank you for letting me know that you need to focus on your job right now. I understand that next week is an important event for you and I respect that. I am feeling a bit lonely right now because today is Saturday and I really wanted to spend some quality time with you. I look forward to spending some time with you after next week."

In this sentence above, I used a technique that I learned from Prof. William Ury, a well-reknown negotiator called an "Yes-No-Yes" sensetences. In the Blue sentences, I showed my understanding for my husband's needs. In the Red Sentence, I let him know my own need. Both kind of sentences is helpful for creating a "win-win" situation. As a result, both of us will have a focused working week, and then both of us can enjoy some quality time together afterwards, when our stress level is back to normal.