Change the Feedback Game

Feedback it's not about what to say, but how to say it.

A piece of feedback can sound like a personal attack in the ears of the receiver unless you say it skillfully. Read more about managing the tension with the 5: 1 strategy below.

Feedback often feels like an attack despite good intentions.

According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative.

The emotional part of the brain reacts much more quickly than the rational part of the brain. Therefore, even a piece of objective feedback can feel personal in the ears of the receiver. This can lead to communication breakdown and even damaged relationships unless the feedback game is changed.

Sharon has just finished her leadership training programme and she started working for a new organization. She struggles with receiving feedback from her new manager, Carrie. Carrie is a "keyboard warrior" who avoids communicating negative feedback face-to-face. This makes Sharon nervous every time she opens her email inbox. The more feedback Carrie gives, the more Sharon feels that she is being micro-managed and attacked. The tension kept brewing while there seems to be no way for Sharon to break the ice as Carrie is time-poor and doesn't attend staff informal social events.

Sharon feels that Carrie doesn't appreciate her 20 years of experience and contribution to her areas of expertise; though Sharon has high status as a national scholarship and research funding recipient and fellowship of an international professional body, Carrie has never asked her to share her insights at work. Sharon's role is the same as before she wishes to have more leadership opportunities. Carrie's leadership style feels too restrictive to Sharon and Sharon craves more autonomy. Last but not least is the lack of informal interaction. Sharon feels that she is under too much pressure to perform all the time.

Sharon is feeling so negative that she started to complain to Carrie's manager. The relationship is worsening towards the end and Sharon decided to quit the organisation. Carrie had to recruit a new colleague while suffering a deteriorating reputation because Sharon is not the first colleague who left Carrie on bad terms.

What could Carrie do to change the feedback game?

Step 1: Offer 5 Positives

Show appreciation

Acknowledge status

Build affiliation or a sense of belonging

Empower autonomy

Create fulfilling roles

(Inspired by 5 "core concerns", from Daniel Shapiro, "Beyond Reason, Using Emotions as You Negotiate".

Carrie should show appreciation for Sharon's effort in adapting to a new environment quickly and acknowledge the knowledge and experience she has brought to the table. If Carrie is time-poor and cannot afford the time to socialise informally with colleagues, she could have named what she shares with Sharon in common. For example, Carrie and Sharon are both introverts who prefer to work quietly and alone. This information can help Sharon feels more connected to Carrie while fulfilling their own needs. Carrie could tell Sharon about her own dilemma on wanting jobs to be well done while not knowing how Sharon prefers to work. She could invite Sharon to share her work preferences and Sharon would have a chance to reassure Carrie of her capacity to work independently. Last but not least, Carrie could shape Sharon's role to give share more leadership opportunities. This can help Carrie reduce her own workload while fulfilling Sharon's desire to be a leader.

Step 2: Suggest 1 change

Instead of trying to change everything all at the same time, Carrie could choose 1 change that Sharon can focus on and offer it to her as a suggestion. Carrie then invites Sharon to share her thoughts and feeling about the suggestion and listens to Sharon's concerns, anxiety, and fears. When Carrie understands Sharon's interests, she then brainstorms options with Sharon and uses objective criteria to help Sharon see the benefits of the suggestion. Changes that Carrie suggests may be related to:

Content (What is being done ? )

Process (How something is being done ?)

Player (Who does it? Add, subtract, or substitute player with a 3rd party)

For example, Carrie could suggest Sharon do something else (change the content), do it differently (change the process), or let someone else help her (change the player). This will inspire Sharon to take ownership of the change and open up a dynamic discussion. Sharon will most likely be able to come up with her own solution by this stage about what, how, and whom she wants to change and feel more positive about the feedback.

(Inspired by Debbie Goldstein, "Best Practices for Difficult Situations Responding Effectively Under Pressure")

What are your top tips for giving feedback?